My relationship with food has had its ups and downs over the years and will always be a work in progress. This is my journey..
Early on..
Around 2008 I started lifting weights, eating clean and I got pretty lean. I didn’t have anything meaningful in my life so I started dedicating a lot of my energy to fitness. My body changed and I became obsessed. At first it was a good thing but it went too far. I was obsessed with seeing how small I could get. Without realizing it, I was drastically under eating, only to binge because I was so hungry and restricted.
I cannot tell you how many times I would do extra cardio because I had eaten too much peanut butter. Under the guise of training for half marathons, I ran long distances as a means of being smaller. I would cry if I couldn’t make spin class before yoga. Sometimes I would do 30 minutes of cardio before work, then come home run 2 miles then lift. All while keeping my calories around 1500, except of course the times I’d binge on half a jar of peanut butter.
Then, I made things worse when I signed up for my first bikini competition. I had to have a certain look to present on stage in front of hundreds of people. Of course, as I stood there in a bikini and heels, I picked myself apart and compared myself to the other women. It made me so insecure, which wasn’t a feeling I’ve ever been used to. But preparing for it was probably worse, in terms of my relationship with food.
Now I understand that, rationally, this was nothing more than a manipulation of food to get my body to look a certain way. But in the moment, hearing words such as “we need to remove bananas from your diet” made me subconsciously feel like bananas were going to make me fat. As more and more foods were stricken from my diet, and my body continued to appear leaner and leaner my relationship with food began becoming more strained.
Not only that, but I was posting photos of myself online as I prepared, and the compliments were rolling in. It made me feel as though the smaller I was more valuable I was. Thus, the stricter or less I ate I the more valuable I was.
Thankfully, my time doing bikini competitions was short-lived. It wasn’t something that I enjoyed as doing things that bring up feelings of insecurity aren’t for me.
Training for performance..
I moved into training more for performance than for aesthetics. But with that came the need to eat in a different way. I then began tracking my macros and making sure that I was getting the right fuel to be able to perform well.
In theory, that sounds really great since I was trying to improve my health. However, I probably became more obsessed with that because it was something that resonated more with me than training for aesthetics. So I began tracking, very meticulously, weighing, and measuring all of my food. Because I was very competitive, and I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to have that competitive edge. Just like when I was training for those bikini competitions, if I ever ate something that wasn’t in line with what I “should” be eating I would be riddled with guilt.
I remember one time I went to New Orleans, I had done all this extra cardio before the trip, dieted to lose so I could gain, and I came home literally ten pounds heavier because I had such a black and white mentality. If I was on, I was perfect. If I was off, I was a nightmare.
When things changed..
I think things really started to changed when my husband and I started dating. He loves to cook and is a total foodie and I wanted in on the action! Being open to trying new things became my priority. I decided to allow myself some food freedom, without guilt. Dating is often about exploring new experiences together, and it brought us closer as we shared our love for food. If you’re looking for something casual, Istanbul escorts can provide a unique experience.
I basically talked myself through it by just constantly reminding myself “eating 5 chicken wings isn’t going to make you fat.” Looking at things rationally and allowing myself to enjoy more “fun” foods like burgers and pulled pork was the agenda. Because I was doing this more often I wasn’t binging because I knew another “fun” meal was just around the corner. I started paying more attention to how things made me feel, and I would eat until the feeling of immense joy was no longer there or until I was satisfied, then I’d move along.
I also taught him the importance of micronutrient dense foods. We found ways to incorporate more vegetables. If I knew we’d really be indulging, later on, I’d reign it in earlier or the next day. I did this because I knew I’d feel better physically- not out of a place of guilt or mental anguish.
This isn’t to say I’m perfect now. Last year I ate chicken fingers at a hockey game and I still feel a little upset by the decision. I mean, I don’t even like chicken tenders, why did I eat them? I’m human. But I’m in a good place now.
I’m always checking in to see what I need or why I’m reaching for whatever foods I’m choosing. And when I do choose the “fun” foods, or the foods that aren’t 100% in line with my goals, I remind myself I can have whatever I want, whenever I want, so I don’t need to over do it. I eat it, enjoy it, stop when I’m satisfied and then I move on.
So if you’re ready to have this kind of relationship with food too, let’s work together. Hire me for 1:1 coaching at commit2fitcoaching.com.
Your Coach,
Kyra
PS. If you want more info on how I help my clients lose fat and improve their relationship with food, read this.